There are many ways we love, but rarely recognize how different it is from the others because it comes so naturally. It is one thing to feel it and another to show it, but it is significant how we show it. There is no such thing as good and bad. Or is it? Is it possible that we communicate our language of love in unhealthy ways? I think it is. I do believe there are situations when someone cannot tell what is in their heart. They might think they show correctly their love because they know how they feel in their heart. However, others might fail to speak this language. We all should ask ourselves 'How do I love?'. It is important because we might scare away someone we truly love while keeping close someone else who is not as important.
If this is true, then why do we contradict ourselves? Are we afraid to love? I do not know the answers to these questions. I am searching for them myself. Unfortunately, I cannot offer the solution either. This is a journey that everybody needs to take alone. I am on a constant journey to self-awareness myself, where I am seeking answers to my questions. This is how we become more mature and more of an adult.
Knowing and understanding myself is essential. If I don't know who I am, then who will? If I don't know what and why I am doing, then it is very unlikely for someone else to know. Unless we talk to a professional therapist. But even in this case, you are the one who knows yourself the best. Since we need to decide whether or not is true or false the way others see us. So self-awareness in this context is the key to know which language of love we speak. Our language of love is the way we express our love to one or another. How do I love? Tenderly? Dominantly? Are you constructive or obstructive? Do you nurture or neglect? These are only a few examples from the many. So as you see there are many ways to love someone. Personally, I wonder. Why do we choose to love destructively or dominantly over tenderly? Why do we love the way we do?
Many psychologists, therapists, psychotherapists are working on/with these issues providing their own responses. For example, Andrew Feldmár has many books and lectures about the topic of love among many others where he is offering thought-provoking answers to your questions. I highly recommend looking up his work, if you haven't done it already.
It is a fact that we speak the language of love, we learned. The same method has been used from generation to generation in a family. But who will put an end to it? Who will stop and recognize if this method is wrong?
Having the right self-awareness is not just necessary, but very useful. Knowing and recognizing when and how we are used and hurt, or the other way around. Understanding our needs, what is good for us, and what is not. It is much harder to love than we would think.
Recognition is a great starting point to change. However, without action, it is worth nothing. Knowledge and self-awareness is a waste, if we do not take the necessary steps to change when the time has come. Knowledge on its own is not more than a bandage on a compound fracture. We know about the injury as much as how much it hurts. We understand why it happened, but the bandage on its own will not heal a serious wound. In order to address the issue, we need professional help and the necessary treatment. In other words, self-awareness without action is merely patting ourselves on the back. If we don't change, knowledge is only a tool for excuses. Then, we can say 'This is who I am.', 'I'm like this, because of...', 'Yeah, but you know me...'.
To sum up, to love and to be loved can be complicated. You need the courage to ask how you love someone. How do you love your partner, family, friends? How do you love yourself? However, it is not enough to ask only. You need tho put things in action and change when it is time. When it comes to me, I merely ask for now. When I found my answers, I change. And you? Are you dare to change?