Szavakkal a lélekért


Do you speak the language of love?

2020. május 16. - Balberie


There are many ways we love, but rarely recognize how different it is from the others because it comes so naturally. It is one thing to feel it and another to show it, but it is significant how we show it. There is no such thing as good and bad. Or is it? Is it possible that we communicate our language of love in unhealthy ways? I think it is. I do believe there are situations when someone cannot tell what is in their heart. They might think they show correctly their love because they know how they feel in their heart. However, others might fail to speak this language. We all should ask ourselves 'How do I love?'. It is important because we might scare away someone we truly love while keeping close someone else who is not as important. 
If this is true, then why do we contradict ourselves? Are we afraid to love? I do not know the answers to these questions. I am searching for them myself. Unfortunately, I cannot offer the solution either. This is a journey that everybody needs to take alone. I am on a constant journey to self-awareness myself, where I am seeking answers to my questions. This is how we become more mature and more of an adult. 
Knowing and understanding myself is essential. If I don't know who I am, then who will? If I don't know what and why I am doing, then it is very unlikely for someone else to know. Unless we talk to a professional therapist. But even in this case, you are the one who knows yourself the best. Since we need to decide whether or not is true or false the way others see us. So self-awareness in this context is the key to know which language of love we speak. Our language of love is the way we express our love to one or another. How do I love? Tenderly? Dominantly? Are you constructive or obstructive? Do you nurture or neglect? These are only a few examples from the many. So as you see there are many ways to love someone. Personally, I wonder. Why do we choose to love destructively or dominantly over tenderly? Why do we love the way we do? 
Many psychologists, therapists, psychotherapists are working on/with these issues providing their own responses. For example, Andrew Feldmár has many books and lectures about the topic of love among many others where he is offering thought-provoking answers to your questions. I highly recommend looking up his work, if you haven't done it already. 
It is a fact that we speak the language of love, we learned. The same method has been used from generation to generation in a family. But who will put an end to it? Who will stop and recognize if this method is wrong? 
Having the right self-awareness is not just necessary, but very useful. Knowing and recognizing when and how we are used and hurt, or the other way around. Understanding our needs, what is good for us, and what is not. It is much harder to love than we would think. 
Recognition is a great starting point to change. However, without action, it is worth nothing. Knowledge and self-awareness is a waste, if we do not take the necessary steps to change when the time has come. Knowledge on its own is not more than a bandage on a compound fracture. We know about the injury as much as how much it hurts. We understand why it happened, but the bandage on its own will not heal a serious wound. In order to address the issue, we need professional help and the necessary treatment. In other words, self-awareness without action is merely patting ourselves on the back. If we don't change, knowledge is only a tool for excuses. Then, we can say 'This is who I am.''I'm like this, because of...', 'Yeah, but you know me...'
To sum up, to love and to be loved can be complicated. You need the courage to ask how you love someone. How do you love your partner, family, friends? How do you love yourself? However, it is not enough to ask only. You need tho put things in action and change when it is time. When it comes to me, I merely ask for now. When I found my answers, I change. And you? Are you dare to change? 



The last of my 20s


Time flies and the years quickly go by. It's a bit cliché to say this, I know, as everyone goes through the same experience. Still, it's good to stop from time to time and think about the years behind us. All the things are worthy to remember, the good, the bad, our past. 
At the beginning of my 20s, I did not care about time and aging. I felt the one in charge as if the time had stopped and I was forever in the moment. I felt I was about to be forever in my 20s. It felt long and everlasting in a positive way. However, when I turned to 25 things has started to shift in me, and here I am today, being 29 while wondering where time has gone so fast. Time has definitely set an alarm in me, a wake-up call some might say, to let me know my 20s are soon to be over, as well as the end of an era. 
Time is relative and we should nurture the child within us, yet I feel that my naive, careless, and immature years are over. Of course, this hasn't happened overnight because I'm getting closer to 30. It's a process, a journey we all take place until a point where we realize that we are not who we once were. 
Though, there is no time or age limit. The number 30 brings us new energies that we can hardly deny. If age is indeed just a number, then why do we get scared when we reach another 'x'?
Perhaps age is not just age. It is what we associate with it aka emotions, expectations, etc. Where there is a new era, there is an ending of another one as well. When something new begins, we need to deal with the past one. Let it behind us. We need some time to grief so to speak, no matter what's passing away. "I know death, it's got many faces," says Arya Stark from Game of Thrones and how right she is. It is in everything and everywhere. It is in every breath we take and every passing moment. Nothing repeats itself, not even if it seems like. 
My 20s means more than just a couple of numbers, 
it reflects my memories, lightheartedness, friends, parties, summers, winters, laughs. By saying farewell to my 20s, I feel the urge to say goodbye to these memories as well. I know that my life hasn't ended and there are many more joyful decades to come. It's neither because I feel old, nor because I feel like I'm retired. It's all about growing up. 
I have sensed, seen, and experienced it in my philosophy among many other things. I'm handling my life alone without my parents' help. I'm no longer under my parents' supporting wings. After a certain point in our life, we are responsible not just for ourselves, but for others as well. This is a bit controversial as we have always had responsibility both for ourselves and others. So how and why is it different to take responsibility as an adult from a teenager or a young adult? 
The answer is in our consciousness. It is normal to expect adults to know what and why they are doing it. We spend our 20s or our younger years with getting to know ourselves. 'Who are we?' Where are we going?' 'What do we want to do with our lives?' It is not a crazy idea wanting to get a ready answer to these questions from someone in their 30s. Most of us spend our younger years searching for responses to these questions. I think this is how it differs our liability as independent adults from young adults, but still dependent on parents' support.
This is also just an ideal scenario based on the standards of modern society in the 21st century. We all live our lives differently based on our personal values. Therefore, I emphasize the younger and the adult years separately. Personally, I connect my younger years to my 20s. Although, there are some cases, where a number is indeed just a number. Just like a so-called adult in its 40s who is still living with its parents while being completely dependent on their approval. How many people are living still like this? How many so-called adults are there in our society who incapable of taking responsibility not only for others but for themselves as well? 
However, this article is not about them. It's merely a collection of my memories. I dedicated it to my last 10 years, and to show my gratitude towards my family, my friends, but mostly to myself. At the age of 29, in my last 20s, I assemble every blessing I have received in these years. I pause a little to say thank you because I need this. I need to say farewell to all the worthy memories, so I can welcome a new era in my life with gratitude and excitement. It is good to stop for a moment and think about our actions so far. Where are we and what we are heading to? Am I really where I would like to be? 




Our savior within


I don't want to be just another princess in the highest tower of the castle waiting for her savior. I would much rather be a warrior princess who escapes from her prison and kill the dragon herself. I wish no longer to live on fairytales that make me believe I need someone to be saved or to be whole again. I don't want to be the person who thinks she needs Prince Charming to have a better life. I want to be that person who not only believes but knows that she has all the power she needs to be enough as she is. 
I've got tired of depending on people or circumstances. All I ever wanted is to be free and often I forget that hard times have always been and will always be there. What I want is to remember. Remember the power I once discovered within myself.
We all need reminders from time to time when we forget about our greatness. I don't want to go on and on about different empty clichés. I just want to inspire and to be inspired, because being confident and find our emotional strength is just one thing. There could be an ocean filled with tools and motivations for this problem only. What most people forget to mention is that you will lose your power over time again and again, which is normal. It is fine to fail and then find the strength to stand up again. I don't think anyone can possess such inner strength with consistency. This kind of confidence was made to be lost and found over and over again until we finally gain balance. When we lose our grip on our inner power and fall, it takes time to pull ourselves together again. Then we succeed and it fills us up with energy. We feel empowered, but then life happens and we fall again. However thanks to our previous falls and experiences it takes less and less time to stand up again. 
In today's society, gender equality is strongly present and discussed. Women can be independent and there are more and more powerful female roles setting us great examples. As a woman, I think it is great to have the opportunity to be equal. In an enlightened society, there needs to be enlightened values and roles. On the other hand, I wouldn't connect the opportunity of freedom and independence to genders. 
It doesn't matter how we identify ourselves, as the prince/princess or the hero/heroine who needs to be saved. The point is that we are the creators of our faith and we should not wait until our Prince Charming knocks on the door, while we wait in the depth of our dungeons where we voluntarily locked ourselves in. The door is opened and we can step out of it if we want to. I'm not saying it's easy or there is no struggle along the way. I'm not claiming you won't need your inner strength or some encouragement. All I'm saying is that we all have the power to unlock the door and defeat the dragon equally. Whether we succeed or not it all depends on the work we are willing to put in it. 
We all have the chance to practice the freedom of choice. I wish not to live my life in a dungeon or the highest tower of the castle, while I'm staring at the door day by day waiting for someone to rescue me. I know I can step up. I know I have already had the inner power and strength that I need. All I have to do is to remember it even if I'm lost in the darkness.